In my last post, I was in an existential crisis with the white board. Thursday is my rest day and I did nothing, unless you count moving lots of heavy furniture from upstairs to downstairs and then all around the downstairs and then moving the no longer needed piece out to the garage. If that counts, then that’s what I did. I believe that is where the new bruise came from.

I also did my yoga practice last night even though I considered not doing it. If I’m going to do yoga every single day, then I sorta have to do yoga each and every day. Otherwise, I didn’t meet my goal. It’s very easy to talk myself out of doing the things that are difficult or simply not as fun as sitting around and coloring or playing video games. It especially difficult if the only person keeping track of me is me.

Then it was back to the gym today and I was faced with more work than I had anticipated. There was a 10 minute EMOM (every minute on the minute) of 1 clean and 2 hang power cleans. I was ready for power cleans all over and instead, the first pull from the floor was a full clean. I’m on my fourth day this week on my first full week back after nearly four weeks off. This was daunting.

Before I went on vacation, I would have done this with 52#, so I spoke with Coach Kim and decided I would use that weight and see how things went. If necessary, I could cut back to one and one or else take the full clean out and do the first move as a power clean. But by keeping the weight, I would work more towards my own goals of moving more weight at some point.

So I did that and I managed to maintain the moves until round 7. My heart rate was getting too high and another one of my goals is to not die. So I managed a scaled version for rounds 7, 8 , and 9 and then did the full squat again because my goal is that I get better some time in the future.

The WOD was three RFT of pistols, pull-ups, and double unders. I used a green band to assist with the pistols and I believe I am the first person, at least at this gym, to fall off the band. Luckily I was ass to grass on my squat so I wasn’t far from the ground when I rolled backwards off the band. It was shocking but not at all hurtful. Stunning, in fact. The problem was my foot was back to far and I corrected for that and managed the rest of the pistols without harm.

This whole exercise just made my heart rate climb and stay up and I could barely get back down to 153 before starting anything again and then ending up in the 170 to 175 range within just ten moves. It was horrifically hot and humid and stifling and uncomfortable. I wanted to quit but that wouldn’t have been the way to achieve my goal of getting better at this. So, even though it took me for damn ever, I finished in 13.58. I was exhausted, dizzy, thirsty, hot enough to melt, and too tired to even be proud of myself for not quitting – but I am now.

I want to be a strong old lady. I want to open my own jars and walk with spine straight and pace quick. I want to be able to move the furniture from upstairs to downstairs or the other way. I want to have muscles. Since these are things I want, I have to put in the very hard work to get them. #NanaCan.

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This is the day to make resolutions but I don’t really make resolutions. Last year I had one goal and didn’t make it. But I achieved some remarkable things that I dared not even dream 365 days ago. So I suppose it is a toss up whether or not I had a good year. Like everything else, this is a matter of perspective.

One year ago, I was grieving the loss of my son’s family. They were all alive and well, but instead of being a short car ride away, they were a long day’s travel distant. I would no longer be seeing them every couple weeks. My heart ached.

My son’s job has been going well and he bought his first house this past year. He and his children are miraculously okay without me hovering over them. They have extended family there and are doing just fine. All that worry and grief and all I got was tears and a headache. When we did get to see them over the summer, everyone was doing great; happy and healthy.

One year ago, I was working part-time at my office job. Nothing ridiculously stressful, not like when I was dealing with life and death. Just a nice way to spend some of my time and make enough money to buy health insurance. I had the job for years and was comfortable in the routine of my days.

I gave notice of my impending retirement when I made the decision last summer. It is extremely difficult to keep going to work when the other half is retired. Several times in the last three years, it has been mentioned that most wives retire soon after their husbands retire. I know why. It grates on one’s nerves to be still going to work while they are going to the golf course (or perhaps fishing or whatever it is they do when they don’t work). I have two more months to work but since it is part-time, that is only 24 more days. I have been counting down for a long time now, so I know this stuff.

One year ago, I told myself I would be doing a strict pull-up before the year ended. This was my one and only goal for the entire year. I knew there were things I needed to do to get there. I made a half assed effort. Doing reverse pull-ups before the day started meant I was stone cold, not at all warmed up, and usually in the way of the people who were in the middle of their class. At the end of class, I was simply worn out and didn’t have enough strength to work at it. The gym closes for a couple hours after the 6 AM class is over and so waiting around was annoying. And for two of the days each week, I needed to get home and get ready for work. I didn’t put in the work and amazingly enough, didn’t get the results I wanted.

I have been the score keeper for three I CAN Games. I have watched amazing athletes and dreamed that some day, I could play like that. These people are amazing. Competition is amazing. I’m old and totally not amazing. And then, the Masters Garage Games were announced. A scaled version of a gaming event written especially for old farts (and their children, since both of my sons were old enough to participate as well). I was scared half to death and asked my son’s permission so I would be sure not to embarrass him. I have no delusions regarding my ineptitude.

One of the highlights of my year was being able to compete and complete the Masters Garage Games. I had no idea I even could survive such a thing. I was horrible. It was thrilling. I took the mindset of participating. I was going to do something totally outside my comfort zone, I was going to work out in front of people who expected results and all I ever manage it not dying and trying to keep my heart rate compatible with life. I completed the day. Although my scores and times were crappy, just like always, I had so much fun knowing I actually did this.

Family, work, hobby … my year sped by and now I’m faced with another blank calendar. Having separations between that and this makes us (maybe it’s just me) look both backwards and forwards. What did I accomplish? What is left to do?

My goal, which is not a resolution but a goal, is to overcome my fear. That is a huge goal and probably unattainable. I’m afraid of everything. I worry constantly. I’m never good enough. I always want more. I need to be better. What sort of crap is this life I live?

Okay, overcoming my fear isn’t really going to work. I need to learn to effectively live with my fear, not letting it overwhelm me. So far, nothing has ever killed me. I have survived everything I’ve been afraid of. I’m still here. I’m doing okay.

My family is doing fine. There are ups and downs; there are upheavals and successes. My sons turned out to be successful men who are able to wend their way through a minefield existence and thrive. They are capable adults. My grandchildren are safe in their hands.

Work is coming to an end and I must fill my days with something else. This terrifies me. I went out seeking this job because I was bored to tears not working. That was five and a half years ago. Why will it be different now? How will I fill my days? I must find an answer to this one pretty damn soon.

My hobby is CrossFit. My box has limited hours as it is their part-time pursuit. I have to decide how I want to have my days go. I know I’m only able to do this first thing in the morning. My choices for that are 5 AM or 6 AM. I can go to open gym around 9 AM, but why would I pay all this money for no coaching? Next class is at noon and that would just ruin my whole day. And then there are evening classes at 4, 5, 6, and 7 PM and that is simply not me.

So I’m going to be retired and still getting up at 5.15 AM four times a week. And then I will have this entire day with nothing else to do stretching out before me. This is scaring me more than I can state. I’m afraid I will stop the whole CrossFit thing because it is too early to get up or it is too inconvenient to get there.

But if I keep going, I need to do something about my panic there. I am still overwhelmed each time I read a WOD. I can still do exactly nothing. I’m still unable to ever do anything and yet, I’ve been doing stuff for over two years. Of course I can do this. It is all scalable and there is nothing wrong with scaling. In fact, it is mandatory. I’m all good. Unfortunately, I’m still terrorized.

I suppose I’m not really this special and we all need to conquer the person we are in order to become the person we want to be. I’m going to work on that this year.

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I stopped on the way into work today and finally found the cocoa mint tea we all liked. Only the Publix on Trolley Rd has it. I bought three boxes.

I got to work and there was a message that I hadn’t sent in some paperwork and it took me a while to find it. I was sorta panicky while looking but … there it was in the first place I looked for it, but had missed it. So, all was well.

Then I printed out all the things we need for the quarterly taxes and set them in front of the boss who groaned and then got out his checkbook and off we went. It took quite a while to do it all, but not nearly as long as it used to take when I had to figure it all out myself. I love Intuit.

Then the stamp machine still had that a letter was only 46 cents and so I had to update that before we could send any of the checks into the US Treasury and the State of South Carolina.

Next, I decided I had to work on the expenses for the month and that meant building a new spreadsheet which was really just copying 2013 and getting rid of all the old data. But as I was doing that, I noticed that I forgot to put a couple expenses on the December sheet so they went on this months and too bad about the whole year thing.

Our group meeting didn’t take very long and I was free to get back to my desk and work on more crap. I got the invitation for our year’s events done and then everyone will be a critic and want to change this or that and yet, no one had time for any input while I was creating the first mockup.

All in all, I worked all day at work which does make the time fly. We are supposed to get snow, sleet, and ice here in the next couple days. People here do not know how to drive in that crap and there are no salt trucks or plows to get rid of any snow. They don’t realize bridges freeze first and they like to spin out and clump along the sides and generally make a mess.

I do not want to be on the road with any of these people. I’m planning my work week accordingly.

I got home and knew that I had to do something sorta kinda like a WOD. I got changed into something looking like workout clothes and tried a few things. I tried some squats. They weren’t horrible, but they weren’t nice to my knee. I’m supposed to be letting my knee heal. It won’t do that if I aggravate it. This was slightly aggravating. So those were out.

I tried some single unders. I could do them, but they jarred my leg and so I again thought better of it.

I didn’t want to do too many sit-ups because I have an aversion to road rash on my ass. I don’t have either a bar or a band here at the house to do anything like a pull-up. I have no free weights. I’m pretty pitiful here at home.

What I did do was 20 pushups, walk at a brisk pace around the block (I didn’t time it, but I think my usual pace is 10 minutes), 40 sit-ups, walk to the corner and back (I did time this one because I never have before and it was 13 minutes), and then another 20 pushups.

I am somewhat hesitant to say this, but there were so many times on both of my walks when I just wanted to start running. Can you imagine? Me? Wanting to run? I think CrossFit broke me. I hope they are happy with this turn of event. I have never wanted to run before in my life! And now, this! I had to keep telling myself that I was protecting my knee and if jumping a rope hurt, running would, too.

While I was walking, I would occasionally be reminded I have a right knee. It wasn’t painful, per se, but I was noticing my knee. I never noticed my left knee but I’m pretty sure I had one the entire time I was walking. I almost always keep them together as a pair.

I don’t really know how long I worked at things not hurting my knee, but I did use up some energy and the last few pushups were getting on the wormy side. I’m sitting here with ice on my knee more as a precaution than anything else. And I am fairly proud of myself for not sitting down directly after work with a cup of coffee and Facebook. That’s truly amazing.

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