I did not sign up for the CrossFit Open. I was out of town for the first week and I have no intention of doing more than 75 thrusters just to amuse anyone. I figure that we should be up to 100 thrusters this year and that’s simply not anything I would choose to do.

I have only signed up for the Open once and yet, I have done most of the workouts over the last six years because they seem to go up on the board on Friday and I go to the gym on Friday So I get stuck doing the Open regardless of whether or not I want to do it. Last week, I was nearly crippled after being off for close to three weeks and then coming back and on the first day (a Wednesday) there were lovely snatches for a skill and then my favorite – thrusters with double unders for the WOD. The next day was a partner WOD with a bunch of lunges and by the afternoon, I could barely walk.

I saw that the WOD for 19.2 was going to be only eight minutes for me and I could manage eight minutes. I’m sure the pain of each squat was cranking my heart rate higher, but I did make it to the second set of squat cleans, so I was happy with how far I managed to get. Sorta.

I still went to the gym on Saturday, and it wasn’t too bad by then. Then I took Sunday off so I could recover and Monday was some deadlifts. I did something wrong and as soon as I noticed how much by back was hurting, I stopped. How very adult of me, right? I’m not always that smart, but I am trying to ease myself back into this nonsense without killing myself in the process. Tuesday was dumbbell snatches and I know I have to keep my ass low, but I didn’t and it exacerbated my bad back. It was so bad by the afternoon, that I was willing to take a pain pill, something that I do maybe twice a year.

But a month ago, I had some abnormal liver function blood work and so on Wednesday, I was scheduled for a repeat blood test to see if the abnormality was a viral infection, or maybe a false high because of the protein shakes I was drinking, or maybe some real and devastating liver disease. I didn’t want to do anything to raise my numbers and all the pain meds I have are detoxed by the liver. So I didn’t take any and I was in near tears every time I got out of my chair.

Wednesday is not a gym day, so I could recover a bit and my blood was drawn without incident. The results came back with my liver function back to its pristine wonderful normal self smack dab in the middle of the what it should be. So, it was either a passing virus or perhaps a false high from the protein stuff that has been sitting in my cupboard waiting to see what happened next. It’s back on the menu now.

Thursday was another partner WOD with rowing for partner A while partner B did unbroken KB swings and then switching and doing that for 20 minutes. I picked a lighter than normal kettlebell for that and it didn’t seem to be bothering my back. Then I had a massage and Jose was pretty impressed with my stupidity and ability to hurt myself. My back truly was a mess. I wasn’t sure if today was going to be the day deadlifts were on the menu and when I asked if doing deadlifts would be just stupid or incredibly stupid, he just said I should not be dong deadlifts right now. At all.

So I was really happy to see the 19.3 WOD go up.

Today’s version of this for me was a 200 foot walking lunge with a ten pound dumbbell racked, 50 box step ups with the dumbbell and to a 16 inch box, then 50 two ten pound dumbbells strict press, and finish with 200 foot bear crawl. I knew I wasn’t getting to the bear crawl. I was fairly certain I wasn’t even going to get to the strict press, but I did make sure I had two ten pound dumbbells available, just in case.

I knew this was going to drive my heart rate sky high, but it went better than I had anticipated. We had to go 20 feet one way, turn and return, and do ten passes. This did mean that getting over that last line was more of a problem and yet, I got 120 feet done before I had to sit on the box and breathe for a few deep breaths, do another 40 feet, sit and breathe again before the last 40 feet, and be done with that. I had to sit for a bit before staring the box step ups and did them in two sets of 25. I had only ten seconds left and grabbed the second dumbbell and got four more reps out.

When I first started CrossFit, I couldn’t lunge without a PVC pipe used as a cane. I just fell over a lot. So going with a dumbbell racked would have been impossible. I couldn’t manage more than a few feet without stopping once I got rid of the cane. So I should be thrilled that I made the 200 foot trek with just two pauses. I should be thrilled that I managed to stop just once in the middle of the step ups. I should. I am. Sorta. I’m also embarrassed by my low score. I mean, if I could have somehow managed to get my heart to cooperate, I could have kept going. My legs didn’t give out. My heart rate was just higher than the cardiologist recommended. Not by a whole lot, but that would have changed if I hadn’t stopped.

So I wish I could do better. I’m happy I did as well as I did. But still. I have no idea what to do with this vacillating seesaw of emotional stupidity. I know I worked as hard as I could and still not die. I just wanted more. It’s been so many years and I’m still fighting the same battle. It seems futile sometimes. I really should be proud of all I have achieved. I am. Sorta.

Crossfit Biceps Strong Women Exercise Arms

Not me – by a long shot.