I want to be successful.

That’s pretty much the whole ball of wax. And now I want to look up what in the hell that stupid little phrase means and why the wax is in a ball and why losing a ball of wax is important in any way, shape, or form. Now I want to know where that phrase is from.

And that is my life in a paragraph. Curiosity is important until it is just a means to avoiding what is really important. There are a million, bazillion questions and only some of them are important. Learning which paths to follow and which to ignore is how you become successful.

That’s not the only thing one must do in order to succeed. You have fail your way to success.

No one, absolutely no one, is an overnight success. Success doesn’t come overnight. There is no UPS or FedEx delivery system to bring it to you. You have to go out and earn success one misstep after another. And then, bam, there you are, almost competent at what you do twenty years later.

I want to be a writer. I would really like to be a remunerated writer, but that means too much work. And too little expertise. And scary, frightening things. It means learning how to market myself and brand my writing and on and on and on and what I really want to do is put words on a page and have others read them and like them. Learning something would be a bonus.

I would also like to never, ever, ever have a typo. This isn’t so much about success but about perfectionism. But I would like it. And I can’t sell writing that isn’t perfect (I tell myself) even though I have paid for writing that isn’t perfect and am fine with it.

I want to be an athlete. Not the “everyone who moves” kind of athlete, but a real athlete. I want to be strong and capable and be able to do athletic things. Really, want I want to do is get through a WOD without sitting around and box breathing half the time.

Bragging note: I managed an entire WOD, for the very first time ever, without having to sit down. I did this by walking the runs but I did it. And I walk pretty fast, so I could manage to flip tires and do a rope climb sub without actually having to sit down.

I’ve been a CrossFitter for over four years and this finally happened. This is the type of athlete I want to be. Just step back, breathe for ten seconds, and then get back to work.

But, because of my heart rate, I can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to, it is that I literally can’t physically do it most of the time.

So can I ever be successful? What if I reframed my definition of success? Is that cheating? Is it just a way for everyone to get a trophy? Do I need a trophy? How do I know when I’ve been successful?

I’ve been writing for years, giving most of it away for free. I’ve made a little money at it but decided that was worse than giving it away. I made the choice to not make money. So if I want readers, and I have them, am I successful?

I show up at the box and do the WOD, scaled for a Little Old Lady, and do things most people don’t. And I do things many more people my age don’t do. So am I successful? I didn’t give up any of the many, many times I have thought about giving up. I show up, scared, and then do something.

I want to be successful. Maybe I am. How would I ever know?

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