I keep trying to like yoga. I don’t. It is just one more thing I’m not able to do with any panache, skill, or even adequacy. I can’t even sit in lotus position. I’m not flexible enough to do the really beginner light stretch relaxation yoga. I tried. It was a nine minute video. I quit before it was done.

Yoga is supposed to be a beneficial way to stretch and relax and find peace. I stress and find my toes are about to crack off and my balance is enough to make me fall over and crack something on my nice yoga mat which offers no padding whatsoever.

Just relax into your breathing.

I hear that but it makes not even one whit of sense to me. I breathe simply to get air to my hemoglobin and have no idea how to relax into it. I’m lucky I’m still breathing, all things considered. If I focus on my breath, I get short of breath and start panting like a lizard on a hot rock. Or I get so light headed that I become dizzy. If I don’t pay any attention to my breathing, I seem to get along okay as I’ve not yet died of hypoxia.

Put this hand here and that foot there and bend backwards and kiss your ass. Relax.

I cannot do this. I’m precariously balanced, my ass is not happy with the gentle love, and if I was able to do anything else at this point, it would be to gently strangle the asshat who just told me to relax. And then stab her at least 75 times with a rusty a knife.

Empty your mind.

My mind worked really hard to fill itself up with mostly useless trivia. I have gathered together a repertoire of useless facts and can spew them out with wild abandon.  I have been accumulating these precious tidbits for decades upon decades and they do not easily abandon me, unless I’m playing a trivia game. While I am twisted into a variety of pretzel shapes with my toes cracking off is not the time for my mind to empty itself.

Stand on one foot and turn yourself into a corkscrew.

I cannot even just stand on one foot straight up. The twisting around after attempting to balance on one foot with the ankle wobbling around like a whirligig is not going to end well. At my age it is recommended that there be grab bars installed in the bathtub to help get in and out. It is not a good idea to make me fall over and crack my head open, but that may in fact help to empty my mind. So perhaps that is the plan.

Yoga is relaxing.

No it isn’t. It is brutally hard work for the stiff and unbalanced. I have not got a snowball’s chance in hell of actually doing the poses with full concentration let alone in a relaxed state. Sipping coffee and reading a book is relaxing. Yoga in contorting around in various attitudes from flat out on the floor, which has the benefit of not being able to fall over, to completely upright.

Yoga feels good.

Well, when you stop. Of course, slicing your arm off with a butter knife feels good when you stop, too. Something with the benefit of being great when it is over should be confined to CrossFit, something I’m already having enough difficulty sucking at. I do not need another arena in which to be a total failure.

So, I’ve tried to like yoga because it is so wonderfully relaxing and health inducing. But all I find is that I’m unable to manage it, I get stressed out beyond all reason, and the only part I like at all is when I stop.

I think maybe yoga isn’t for me.