I stopped putting my scores on the white board. I’m always the crappiest score. This is in part because I’m the oldest person there. It is also due to my heart rate issues which make my life a little less stunning, at least at the box.

I’m awesome. I do CrossFit and have gone from literally not being able to do squats to doing all manner of dubious but remarkable things. I’ve stuck it out when it would have been far easier to quit. I have gone from not being able to open jars to being able to move heavy furniture with and sometimes without help.

But I’m still the crappiest score every single day. And I’m tired of it. I’m the low tide mark. People who are brand new to CrossFit can do more than I can in a matter of weeks, if not right out of the gate. They are, of course, young enough to be my children but that isn’t on the board. The only thing on the board is:

Patti: crappiest score of the day

I’m like the stupid third grader who is smart enough to know that she is not as smart as the overachievers. Making me put my score on the board, at least in my mind, is equivalent to making a list of all the third graders in a classroom and having them put their test scores on the board for all to see. We wouldn’t do that. Because it is cruel.

Today I got a new PR. I went from an 83# front squat to a one rep max of 90#. It was a bit shaky coming up, but I got the full squat and I got back to an upright position with the bar and could rack it. That is almost a 10% increase. I’m impressed with myself. I didn’t put it on the board. Either board.

Why? Because it is still quite pitiful. I couldn’t deadlift that much when I began this journey. Hell, it was a couple months before I could even deadlift 42#. I’m thrilled with my progress. If it was possible to put my scores into perspective, I might consider it. But they are just bald numbers without any reference point and when that is all it is, it’s pretty much a D- or something.

I scale everything in a manner that makes me work just as hard as all the other people I’m working out with. But I scale so I’m not working harder than any of the other people I’m working out with. I’m always working to capacity as evidenced by my consistently rapid heart rate making me stop and not die. I’m not holding anything back. This is the best I have. And it is pretty awesome for an old broad who couldn’t even squat when she started.

But that’s not what I see when I have to write a score on the white board. All I see is the worst score for the day. Every day. All the time. The low water mark which everyone can zoom past without any issues. They are twenty or thirty years younger than me and have been active in sports their whole lives, but that doesn’t show. All that is posted is the final number. And mine is always the worst.

I’m proud of what I have been able to accomplish. I’m proud that I didn’t quit when I really, really wanted to quit. I didn’t quit soon after I started and I didn’t quit this summer and I simply haven’t quit. I’m often disgusted with myself and my performance because I so desperately want to do better, do more, achieve greater things. And my heart rate is 175 and I can’t do even one more rep. I get discouraged.

I wanted to be better than this by now. I wanted to do the RX weights. I wanted to have my heart get as strong as my glutes. Perhaps it has gotten better and I just keep asking more of it. I  know that everything I do is more than I could do when I began. It just isn’t as much as I dreamed of.

The shoulds are killing my  joy. I got a PR today and I’m too ashamed to write it on the boards.