I am gaining weight. I’m not fat. I’ve never really been fat. But I am gaining weight and it isn’t muscle mass, it is fat. I’m ten pounds heavier than I was six months ago. I’m almost what I weighed before I began CrossFit, although it is packaged different.

My mother put herself on a low-low-low-fat diet for the last ten or fifteen years of her life. “If it tastes good, spit it out” was her motto. She drove us all nuts. She wouldn’t eat an egg so when I made a breakfast lasagna, I had to make a corner with all egg whites and mark it so she would have some. She denied herself many of her taste pleasures.

I don’t really know if it prolonged her life or not. I don’t even know if she got some satisfaction from controlling her diet. She started the rigorous stuff after Dad’s unsuccessful surgery and perhaps taking over a portion of her life in which she could have complete control gave her some sense of peace. Or maybe she was just nuts.

I don’t want to turn into my mom – at least regarding the whole crazy eating thing. But I’m getting fat. Okay, not fat. But I’m gaining weight.

It’s been two years since I did the Whole Life Challenge and I’ve gotten away from much of the cleaner eating stuff I learned to do during those eight weeks. Of course, during those eight weeks, I made Mom’s eating issues look like child’s play. I was crazy nuts about anything I ate. They gave out points and this was something I had control over. I couldn’t do much at the gym, but by God, I could manage my diet.

Except, I’m still at the gym and still crappy at it. But now I’m not watching my diet. I know what I need to do. I know pretty much where it fell apart. I bought a vat of Moose Munch and I ate the whole thing. I had to. Dick can’t eat popcorn or nuts and so I had this vat of deliciousness and I ate it. All.

Then I bought a two, not one, but two different large containers of cashews. I love cashews. I ate all of them, too. I’m on my fourth or maybe fifth bag of cheese curls. Delicious and salty. I have three favorite foods – chocolate, coffee, and salt. And I’m eating all of it.

Almond milk is really just white water with a bit of grit thrown in to make your last gulp of coffee regrettable. It doesn’t work well for cooking and doesn’t taste good in coffee or on cereal. Another thing I couldn’t have while doing the Whole Life Challenge was cereal, but notice how I know almond milk doesn’t taste good on it. I’ve fallen off the healthy food wagon.

I started drinking milk again instead and it is 120 calories per cup more than the white water with grit. But my coffee tastes better and we can actually cook with it.

My problem seems to be that although I know what I’m supposed to do, I’m not doing it. Not even pretending to do it. I’m just watching myself get fatter.

And since I’m not fat, when I say I’m getting fatter, it upsets those who care about me. I’m not fat. I know I’m not fat. I’m not about to turn into a anorexic at this late date. I do not miss a meal. One of the worst things about the whole new car buying experience was that I did, in fact, miss a meal and it was awful.

Since I’m just ten pounds heavier than I was six months ago, it doesn’t show too much and I’m still fitting into my clothes. But I won’t for long if I don’t do something about the continual uptick in numbers. But I keep hearing how I shouldn’t turn into the crazy diet person. But I don’t want to have to lose thirty pounds later. If I can get a handle on things and rein in my snacking and munching and grazing, I will be fine.

But if I mention I need to do so, I’m told I’m thin and I should enjoy life. I do enjoy life. I enjoy being this size and fitting in all my clothes and not having to pick and choose what I pull from the closet because only a few things still fit. I hated that.

It is hard to realize that as I age, I just can’t metabolize all the calories I used to. And as I age, I’m sitting more. I’m no longer even walking around an office for a few hours a week. I’m left to my own devices and I find I’m a complete slug. I don’t move out of my chair unless it is to go and get a snack.

I don’t want to do another Whole Life Challenge because I was completely nuts. But I don’t really know how to make myself behave even when it is in my own best interest. Life is just hard.