I have been relentlessly gaining weight. Not much, but little bitty increments. A little today and a little more tomorrow and now I’m getting to where I’m puffy again. I’m not happy with this. I know what I’m doing wrong. I’m letting crap back into my diet and I’m a slug. I act like a trip from my recliner to the bathroom is an expedition of great peril.

I sit all day, never moving. I play games on the computer or Kindle. I crochet. I write or read. I sit and sit and sit. The trips to the kitchen are even rare, but I load up with food and return  to the recliner. And it is the wrong food. I’m not loading up with fuel, I am loading up with chocolate or chips or even cheese curls.

I know what I’m doing wrong. Too many calories in and not enough movement. What’s a slug to do? CrossFit three times a week is not enough for the number of calories I’m consuming and I really love food. I like my junk food. I do eat some real stuff, but I know I’m eating too much not good stuff. Life is so cruel.

I got up at 6 AM this morning and decided fat is not what I wanted to be when I grew up. So I put on some gym type clothes and went for a walk. Before I did CrossFit, I walked the neighborhood a lot. It wasn’t enough to actually get to where I wanted to be, but at least I was out there huffing and puffing and pretending I was doing something.

Then I started CrossFit and found out I could do nothing. Years passed. Three of them. I’m still pretty crappy at CrossFit. I had these fantasies of snatching 95# pounds and deadlifting twice my body weight. I had visions of running miles and pull-ups and box jumps.

I can power snatch less than half the weight I dreamed of and can’t full snatch anything without feeling like I’m going to fall over. I can deadlift my body weight. I can run a quarter mile but then I’m absolutely done. My pull-ups are still with a band and box jumps are possible, but only one or two at a time. I’ve gotten nowhere close to my visions of sugarplums.

But my walk today was the same one I did many times before CrossFit. I don’t know how far it is but it would take me between 40 and 45 minutes to walk it and I would come home spent. I would be breathing hard and dripping wet. I would pant and have to rest after a walk.

It took me 41 minutes today to casually stroll the same route. I came home relaxed and feeling okay. I was not panting. My horrible heart rate is really getting better. All the stuff I do has made it realize a walk around the big block is no big deal. It’s not like I was doing squats at every corner or push-ups at every crossroad. I just had to walk. Quickly, but no running.

I don’t give myself credit for doing what I do. This has always been true. If I got a test back and had a 95%, I would obsess about what I got wrong and not appreciate that I got most of the crap right and there is no need to have everything in one’s head when there is Google or Wikipedia (or when I was young, libraries and encyclopedias).

I keep seeing what don’t have and not appreciating what I do have. There are ways to teach me how to not do this. A gratefulness journal where I write down five things I’m grateful for each day. 100 days of happiness where I just have to find one good thing about each day. All sorts of scheduled ways to include joy and gratitude into my life.

I start them and then quit and go back to whiny and cranky. And when I look at my life, it is incredibly wonderful. And I do fabulous things.

Still, I had this fantasy.