August 2015


It’s raining. It started yesterday afternoon and has been steadily raining since. My phone woke me up with a weather alert to let me know there could be flash flooding in the Low Country. Really? With a number of rivers coursing to the ocean and an elevation of about 10 feet above sea level, there might be flooding after 18 hours of rain? Who knew?

But I knew where the one place that has a dip in the road that floods and where the water normally pools and how to drive to miss these hazards and so I went to the box and braved the elements. I’m such a badass. It is the first time I’ve driven my new car in the rain. I learned how to use the rear window wiper, so that was cool.

Today was Leslie and me (Kat hurt herself yesterday) with Kim coaching. There had been 13 people at 5 AM and four or five people paying for a private session at 7 AM. And then two of us at 8 AM.  On Facebook, Kim had posted about a deload week and hoped to see all our beautiful faces at the box. Unfortunately, I had to bring my old and wrinkled face with me since I don’t have any other kind.

Since it was raining, we began the day with a row and did weird stuff with it. Then we did stuff and then we did 3 rounds of 3 ring rows, 6 push-ups, and 9 squats and at the push-ups my heart rate went too high for the first (but definitely not the last) time for the day. Dislocates and passthroughs ended the warm-up and we were ready for the day’s work.

Today’s WOD as written:
We have all been hitting the weights very hard for the last 4 weeks, and now it is time for a deload week. Deloads are periods of time where you give your body an “active rest” to ensure a healthy progression in your training. This is designed to help you reduce the possibility of injury, and break through plateaus. Your body will have a chance to recuperate, let your muscle rebuild, and give your joints time to heal and grow stronger. We will be hitting some accessory muscle exercises as well in order to build your strength.

READ ABOUT WHY HERE!!!

Strength: 3X8 glute bridges (at the top of each rep, hold the bridge for no less than 10 seconds).
Using a barbell and lying on the floor, you will slowly add a little weight to your glute bridges. These are important to strengthen the glutes and the lower back. These should not be so heavy that you have to pause in the middle of the sets. Form is key.
WOD:
EMOM 16 min
20 Double unders (30 sec time cap)
4 slam balls (45/20) [We only have 45 and 25# slam balls]

For the glute bridges, we began with an empty bar. Me with a 22 and Leslie with a 33# one. We did ten practice ones. Leslie has a bad back and the move was bothering her some. We each added ten pound plates to the bars and did the next set. After moving 42# with just a touch and go, I learned I was allowed a 5 second rest in between lifts. Since I could manage a touch a go, Kim and I thought I should add another ten pounds. So I was working with 52# on the last set. Leslie stayed with her 53#. Her back was really getting cranky and so we stopped at this point, although I could have managed another set at that weight, I don’t think I could have managed more weight.

I looked at the WOD last night and there were myriad ways for me to play the EMOM. My biggest problem was going to be my damn heart rate. I need time to box breathe and get it back down, but I always think I’m stronger than I am. I went with doing 20 single unders and 3 slam balls per minute, thinking that should be okay. I waited for a heart rate to lower to 120 to start.

After the first round my heart rate was already 163. I knew I was in trouble, but with box breathing I was able to get it down enough to do the same thing. I managed to do round three like that but my heart rate was 177 after the slam balls so I figured I had to do something different.

On the next minute I just did 20 jumps. Since my heart rate was 159 when I began, it was over 170 when I stopped. I got it down to just under 160 and did 2 slam balls. Since that took next to no time, I had a low enough heart rate to do both moves again. Then my heart rate was over 170 again and it was ridiculous.

For the rest of the time I did 40 single unders in a minute and then 4 slam balls in the next minute. It gave me enough resting time to get my heart rate low enough to manage the next minute and I just kept plodding along, pitiful and old.

I finished the day and managed to do something for the whole time. My reward was bacon and eggs when I got home.

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I finally remembered how to sleep and so got some much needed rest. Yesterday was really quiet and I managed to get some writing done and even more importantly, some editing was done. I hate to edit. I hate mistakes. I wish I could write perfectly on the first go and skip the whole edit part. I cannot. So I edit. But I don’t like it.

I found a new batch of videos to watch all about plane crashes. As I was watching last night, all I could think of was how horrified Kim would be. But they are interesting. I have no idea why the weather channel has videos about plane crashes, but I’m not in charge of that.

I have used up much of my yarn here and I have no use for anything else knit or crocheted. I purchased a book of mandalas to color and I have been doing that while I watch videos. It is relaxing and keeps my hands busy so I don’t eat all night long.

I looked at the WOD last night and was so happy to see no overhead squat or snatch stuff included that I nearly got out of my chair to do a happy dance. Then my sedentary lifestyle reasserted itself and I just smiled.

I got there today and it was Kat, Betsy, and me being coached by Mark. I’m so used to looking at the WOD and figuring out what I can do, that I don’t even think about it anymore. I look, I scale, I sleep peacefully, I show up ready.

Mark pointed out that it might behoove me to actually let the coaches coach. That is also true. I knew what I wished to do today. Mark had his ideas. I expressed mine in one way; he expressed his in another. They were basically the same idea, but stated differently.

We warmed up without any running. My favorite. My shoulders/arms had been a bit sore after Wednesday’s WOD and the rowing seemed to ease things up today. We were declared warm.

Today’s WOD as written:
Strength:

3X5 (each leg) heavy step ups on box (24/20)
WOD:
For time:

5,4,3,2,1 power clean, front squat, push jerk (155/105)
10 burpees every time that you drop the bar during that set. Power cleans must be touch and go. Scale accordingly. The goal is for the WOD to be completed in 6 minutes.
For example: Complete 5 PC, 5 FS, 5 PJ. Then you can drop the bar. However, if at any time you drop it before then, you must do 10 burpees before completing that set.

I can do ten non-weighted step-ups, but I wanted to use more weight. I asked Mark’s advice. He liked the weight, too. I used a 16” box and we warmed up to the move with a PVC pipe and it was okay. I could do the ten reps with a 22# bar and it was okay. But I really wanted to do a 42# bar. I got four with my non-dominant leg and after doing three with my stronger leg, I was dizzy. I asked what my heart rate was and it was over 170. Time to quit.

Mark suggested I move slower and rest some between each rep. Strength moves aren’t for time and there is no prize for fast. But my heart rate doesn’t come down as I stand and pant and/or box breathe. It is a conundrum. I tried one more time and got three with each leg again with the 42# bar but my heart rate was once again over 170 and I stopped rather than fall off the box.

Then for the WOD. I said that anyone over 60 didn’t have to do burpee punishments. Mark said there were people over 60 who wouldn’t need that stipulation. I am the only over 60 person at our box. He said that if I had to stop due to heart rate issues, I didn’t have to do burpees. The only reason I ever stop is because of my heart rate. So we agreed on the result, we just had different reasons for it.

I was using my same 42# bar. I got my heart rate down to 117 before we started. I was still pretty damn sure I wasn’t going to get 15 moves in before I had to stop. But amazingly enough, I managed them. I had a heart rate over 170 when I quit, but I got the 5s done. Then I hoped to get my heart rate down to 145 or so before starting again. Once it gets too far over 170, I can’t seem to get back under 150 no matter how long I sit there.

I got the four power cleans and front squats done, but I wasn’t putting iron over my head with a heart rate that was leaving my hands tingling. I set the bar down and saw I was at 172. Well, no wonder. I got my heart rate down and it took forever and down was only 150 but I started again. Since I thought I was going to have these as 6/6 and I got 8 on the first part, I did the four presses and then did the three cleans. Then I had to stop because I was once again over 170.

I worked to get my heart rate down and then did the rest of the threes and did two power cleans. Both Kim and Betsy were done before the six minutes. Kim came over to tell me (since my back was to the clock because watching the time makes me anxious) that it was past six minutes and was I going to quit. I wasn’t. I got my heart rate down enough and finished the two squats and presses and then did the ones and finished in 7.47.

My heart rate got to about 175 a couple times and that’s where I start feeling things like tingling hands and dizziness. So I stopped. I never have any chest pains. I know my heart is stronger than when I began, but I want more. And I want it now. And I need to remember the coaches are not going to kill me. But I also remember that there are too many times when dropping the weight is all the scaling that is considered. I don’t want to be working a sprint WOD and have it end up as a chipper.

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I did not sleep well last night. At all. I was up playing video games at 2.45 AM. I am a lark. This was a bad thing. But I woke up at 6 AM anyway so I’m hoping I will be tired enough to be able to sleep tonight. One can always hope. I would say dream, but I would need to be asleep for that.

I had looked at the WOD last night and figured it was all good. That wasn’t what kept me awake. That’s a good thing, except that means tonight might still be video games all night long.

It was just me today. I knew Kat wasn’t going to be there. Kim had a private lesson going on when I got there and so I sent myself off on a run. My heart rate was 77 before I began. By 100 meters it was 115 and by 200 meters I was over 150. I have no idea what to do about this except keep ignoring it and keep working until I can’t. However, that’s not exactly how one is supposed to warm up.

I did the rest of my warm-up per Kim’s instructions while she finished up with her client. She apologized but really, it didn’t bother me at all. I hate being the only person there and the sole focus of all eyes. It is unnerving. I did what Kim listed and was deemed warm.

Today’s WOD as written:
Strength:

3X5 snatch complex (1 power snatch, 1 ohs, 1 full snatch)
Moderate weight. Focus on form.
WOD For time:
Buy in: 20 OHWL (45/25)
800 m run
1 rope climb
400m run
2 rope climbs
200 m run
4 rope climbs
Buy out: 20 OHWL (45/25)
Cool down as you walk the parking lot.

I once again had delusions of grandeur. I truly believed I might be able to get through that complex four times using a 22# bar. I could not. I began with a heart rate in the low 120s and after two complexes, I was done and my heart rate was 167. On the next round, I waited and got to 118 and started and completed two complexes and had a heart rate of 160. Better. I did the third round and again could only complete two complexes before my heart rate was too high. Since it was just me and since there was plenty of time, I did the complexes two more times. It was 5×2 instead of 3×5 but it was all I could manage.

I’m so sick of this heart rate thing. I keep saying that. Kim said no heart rate is the real problem and as long as I’m working it is all good.

I do not run. My first inclination last night when I looked at this was to cut the distances in half and walk them. But then I thought I could actually row the entire amount and survive that. So my plan for the day was to row the distances as written. My lunges were without weight. My rope climbs were the sub of three knees to elbows and then lower myself down the rope.

I got my heart rate down to 117 and began. I managed all 20 walking lunges without stopping and ended with a heart rate of 167. Then I began to row. No matter what I did, I could not get my heart rate to lower while I rowed. I was getting exhausted and began to go really, really slow and yet my heart rate was still 165 so I figured I should pull harder and finish the 800 meters and rest before the rope climb.

I was supposed to start from a standing position. I managed one and got back on the rower. This time I just rowed and didn’t worry about heart rate. I had to sit and box breathe when I finished. I did the first rope climb and as I was on the ground asked about pulling up or standing up. Kim said if it was going to keep me from finishing the rest of the movement, I should just stand up in between. So I did. I got two done and went back to rowing.

It was so nice to only row a little bit, but then I had four rope climbs to do. I did them one at a time and by the last one I was just spent. But I got it done and just laid on the floor trying to get a heart rate low enough to do some lunges. My goal for this was half and half. I managed that and ended with a time of 18.08.

I was a filthy mess by the time I finished up today. But I finished and that’s really what I set out to do.

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We were away for three days and I missed a workout. To replace it. We walked on a path that was .83 miles out and so that far back and we then went to swim laps and I did a half mile there. Otherwise, we mostly ate a lot. Story of my life.

We were visiting a 55 and older community to see if we could like it and they had several fitness areas and I kept looking for free weights. There were dumbbells but no bars and plates. One little old lady I spoke with asked me what I wanted them for and I told her I lifted. She was very worried about my health and told me I would hurt myself and was especially concerned about my knees. So I squatted for her to show her my knees were fine. And she skeptically asked if I did that and I said I did, but with 100# on my back. She scowled at me and said, “You should sew or knit.” I said, “I do.” She did not know what to do with me.

I got to the box this morning and it was Kat and me with Kim coaching. We went out on a run while the private class before us finished up. We came back and they were still not done so we gave ourselves something else to do. By then Kim was ready to work with us and the other folks were leaving.

We warmed up and then got ready for the day.

Today’s WOD as written:
Strength:
OHS 5-4-3-4-5
Work to heavy, but do not compromise form. Reduce weight as reps increase if form is compromised.
WOD:
6 min AMRAP

9 Deadlifts (155/103)
7 power cleans
5 ring dips
Core Work:
1 min plank
1 min bicycle
1 min flutter kicks
30 ab mat sit ups

My goal for the overhead squats was 27, 32, 37 but it didn’t work out that way. I did 27 okay, but the 32 was bad and I nearly dropped the last rep on my head. But I gamely tried the 37 because I know I can do that, but today, I couldn’t. So I didn’t and managed another 3 at 32 and backed down to 27 and 22 and finished them out.

I wasn’t sure what to do about the WOD. I wanted to do 53# but the 7 cleans were going to really slow me down. I would have to halve them and then it would suck up all my time sitting. Kim said to do 7-5-3 for the reps and see how that worked. I did the ring dips from a box to help with time, too.

I had a heart rate of just over 100 before we began and so did the whole first round without stopping and only had a heart rate of 160 after the whole thing. But then I did some box breathing to get it low enough to get the deadlifts done.

I did that and had to wait get it down to do the cleans. I managed all five but the fifth one was only because it was one more. Then I had to box breathe and then do the dips and then just rest a little to get the next deadlifts. If I could get my heart rate down to 145, I could get the cleans done but it is so hard to be patient and box breathe when time is ticking away. I got the cleans done with the last one being a challenge again. I did the dips.

There wasn’t much time left. I got my heart rate down to 150 and managed the deadlifts. There was only five seconds on the clock. My heart rate was high, but I could rest when I was done. So I got two more cleans in before time was called for a score of 3+9.

We got stuff put away and then were ready for that core work stuff. I held a plank for 45 seconds which is longer than I can normally manage. I did bicycle crap in one spurt, rest, and go again. I tried flutter kicks and it hurts my back because I really don’t have much core strength at all. I know this. It is part of being an old fart. Then I did the 30 seconds of sit-ups and could RX that whole thing.

It was disappointing to not my make my goal weights on the overhead squats but it was gratifying to be able to do the weight I wanted for the WOD. Win some; lose some.

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I went for another walk yesterday morning. Same route; different temperature. It was hotter and more humid and I was dripping by the time I got home. But even with stopping to talk to a neighbor for a few seconds, my time was 5% faster which sounds much better than two minutes less.

I lost my mind and each time crab legs were on sale, I bought some not realizing there was already more than enough in the freezer. Which means we have way too many crab clusters. So my goal is every other week, when it is my turn to cook, to serve crab on Tuesday – the day before the garbage is picked up. We will continue this until the crab is gone.

That means we had crab last night for dinner and it was wonderful. I met my writing goal for the day. I was able to get quite a bit done on the afghan. Things were going along great. Then at 8 PM, the WOD for today was posted and just shit. That’s really all can say. Just shit.

I was awake at 2 AM for no good reason and it took me over an hour to fall back to sleep. I didn’t wake up until after 7 AM. I got out of bed at 7.07 and I was already aware of a caffeine headache starting. I really couldn’t wait two hours for coffee. Luckily, Dick was awake and had brewed a pot. So I poured a cup and tried to guzzle it. But when my alarm goes off at 7.15 AM it means it is time to eat a banana and drink my protein shake.

So I drank my coffee and my protein shake and hoped like hell I wouldn’t wet my pants at the box. It’s always something.

Leslie was there again today and Kat showed up. Kim was coaching. We were sent out for a run and they went 400 but I turned around at the 200 meter mark. There was a middle school girl on the sidewalk who wanted to know where some street was. I had no freaking idea. I’m lucky I know the names of the major roads and side streets are beyond me. I told her she could follow me back to the gym and maybe Kim would know. She didn’t. I asked if her phone had maps and it did. They found the place. The kid was too far from her bus stop to get back in time for the bus so Kim asked if we cared if she drove the kid to where she was going. She was new to the area and had already missed a couple days of school. She was obviously stressed/nervous. But she got in the car with a stranger who took her to her bus stop. When Kim got back, she mentioned that last part. But there we were. She talked first to a gray-haired grandma type and the rest of us were safe looking mommy types and what the hell, she needed to get to school.

I understand the whole Stranger Danger thing. But I also understand the Good Samaritan thing and most people are good. I’m glad she let us help her and I hope the rest of the day went well for the kid. She could use a break after that crappy start. And when she leaves her apartment tomorrow, she will know to turn left, not right, and get to where she needs to be.

We warmed ourselves up in Kim’s absence and when she came back we were as ready as we were going to get for the day.

Today’s WOD as written:
Strength:
Hang snatch (full)
3×3 Unbroken
WOD:
24 min EMOM
:
Min 1: 5 burpees+6 pull ups (or 2 muscle ups)
Min 2: 3 each leg front rack walking lunges (95/65)
Min 3: 10 push press (95/65)

Oh, great. Something overhead again. I’m so glad we are working consistently to the point of broken shoulders on snatches or overhead squats. I really suck at full snatches because I feel so off balance. I took off my one shoe and just used a 22# bar. I managed them and didn’t try to put on any more weight.

I studied that next part and had two options for myself. I was unsure which would be better, but I knew that as written, it was impossible for me and my heart rate. I could either be out of synch and do a four minute thing by breaking up the burpees and pull-ups, or I could alternate rounds with burpees on one round and then pull-ups on the other. Kim preferred that.

That meant I did the eight rounds instead of breaking it into six rounds. I did four real burpees and then did walking lunges without weights and kept them at six. I did only 8 push press and used just a 22# bar because of the problems with my heart rate. Then I did four jumping pull-ups and made sure my reverse was a bit slower so I could get some real pull in there, and the walking lunges and push press.

On the third round, I was feeling a bit cocky and decided to hold 5# dumbbells at shoulder height and do the lunges, but when I did six like that, I had a heart rate of 167 at the end and I couldn’t get it down enough to start the push press so by the end of the push press, my heart rate was over 170.

I asked Kim if she thought I was better off with sticking with six unweighted lunges or do the weights and only do four. She thought for a bit and said to go with the four. My heart rate never went over 170 again and I could manage the rest of the WOD doing that.

I was exhausted by the end but I managed the whole thing in my scaled, masters way.

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The sit-ups from Friday were done masters version which meant I only did 80 instead of 100. My stomach hurt all weekend. It was better on Sunday but only because I was miserable on Saturday. It was nice to hear today, that others were done in by the WOD and I wasn’t being a total weenie.

I’ve been getting writing done and I have half of the next afghan finished. I hoisted myself out of the chair on a more frequent basis yesterday, but I believe I was seated for over an hour a couple times. I don’t think I was seated for over two at all. That’s an improvement. I am a good sitter.

I looked at the WOD last night and gave up. I figured whatever anyone said to do was better than my plan which would have been to just stay home. It scared me and there were overhead squats again. I hate these.

But there I was at the box all ready to go at 8 AM. It was me and Leslie today with Kim coaching. They are getting ready to have a special group to prepare for the local half marathon, but luckily, that doesn’t concern me. I don’t run. I may have mentioned that.

We warmed up appropriately and were ready to start the day.

Today’s WOD as written:
Strength:
Full clean 1-1-1-1-1-1-1
WOD:
10 min AMRAP

1 deadlift/1 hang power snatch/1 OHS (95/65 or RX+ 115/85)
2 T2B
2 DL/2 HPS/2 OHS
4 T2B
Add 1 to each round of DL/HPS/OHS
2 to each T2B

That is seven incremental increases on the full cleans. My previous top was 52# and my one rep max power clean was 67#. So in theory, I had room to move up some. But I had no idea how much improvement. I really wasn’t sure that I would see any improvement. It’s been a while since we worked with these.

I began at 22# and either it was my first rep or a warm-up, I didn’t care which. My plan was to keep increasing the load by 5# for every lift and when I ran out of steam, be done. That was the plan. I wasn’t going to count the reps themselves, I was just going to try my damnedest and see what I could do.

I also knew that balance was going to be important, so I took one shoe off and evened myself out a bit. It always seems to help.

I got the lower weights without any problem – except to not smack myself in the face with such a light bar. I got the full sized plates on and kept adding the other smaller ones and was at 57# and made it. I had to go and gather more weights. I got the 62# and had more room to go so I got the 67# which happened. It was obviously getting heavy and my elbows were dropping a little. With that in mind and concentrating on form, I loaded up 72# on the bar. I got it up, I fell under it, and then I had to stand back up. I made an awful lot of noise. I pretty much sounded like DeWayne lifting. But I got the bar and my fat ass back up. I got a new PR.

Then on to the WOD. My limitation is the overhead squat and I really struggle with this. I can do one or two at higher weights, but they send my heart rate so high and I am so fearful of overhead weight when it is high, that I just freeze.

Kim said that if I had no weights on my weight, to start from parallettes, so that’s what I did. We determined that it was smarter to begin the deadlift with a wide snatch grip and then go into the next move without having to adjust hands. And we also determined that it was deadlift, power snatch, overhead squat and then the series again as the next rep. Apparently, neither Kim nor Leslie had really read the WOD because they were completely ignoring the toes to bar.

When they looked again, there it was and it was just cruel and unusual punishment. Kim asked if I was doing V-ups instead and my stomach is better today, but I didn’t want to put that stress on it. So I did knees to elbows-ish and got my knees higher than my waist for each one.

I knew my heart rate would go up and I was hoping to finish round three/six. And I did but there was still lots of time left which was astounding to me. So I did the four/eight and there was still almost two minutes left on the clock. I had a heart rate of 170, but there was some time. I got my heart rate down and then did three of the serial moves and had to rest. My heart rate was down to 160 and I figured it was now or never. So I did the last two and walked to the bar. There was less than half a minute left. I hopped up and got three and had to regrip. I got two more before time was called.

So, we then went to the board and couldn’t figure out how the prior class had scored themselves. It seemed they counted each move as a rep or something. I wasn’t working that hard. I got the four round done and got 10 of the next moves finished before time. That’s the score I gave myself. Better than I had expected.

My hands were on fire and taking a shower made me wince. I was wearing gloves, but my poor little hands hurt. So far, my stomach is okay. Whine, whine, whine.

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I have been relentlessly gaining weight. Not much, but little bitty increments. A little today and a little more tomorrow and now I’m getting to where I’m puffy again. I’m not happy with this. I know what I’m doing wrong. I’m letting crap back into my diet and I’m a slug. I act like a trip from my recliner to the bathroom is an expedition of great peril.

I sit all day, never moving. I play games on the computer or Kindle. I crochet. I write or read. I sit and sit and sit. The trips to the kitchen are even rare, but I load up with food and return  to the recliner. And it is the wrong food. I’m not loading up with fuel, I am loading up with chocolate or chips or even cheese curls.

I know what I’m doing wrong. Too many calories in and not enough movement. What’s a slug to do? CrossFit three times a week is not enough for the number of calories I’m consuming and I really love food. I like my junk food. I do eat some real stuff, but I know I’m eating too much not good stuff. Life is so cruel.

I got up at 6 AM this morning and decided fat is not what I wanted to be when I grew up. So I put on some gym type clothes and went for a walk. Before I did CrossFit, I walked the neighborhood a lot. It wasn’t enough to actually get to where I wanted to be, but at least I was out there huffing and puffing and pretending I was doing something.

Then I started CrossFit and found out I could do nothing. Years passed. Three of them. I’m still pretty crappy at CrossFit. I had these fantasies of snatching 95# pounds and deadlifting twice my body weight. I had visions of running miles and pull-ups and box jumps.

I can power snatch less than half the weight I dreamed of and can’t full snatch anything without feeling like I’m going to fall over. I can deadlift my body weight. I can run a quarter mile but then I’m absolutely done. My pull-ups are still with a band and box jumps are possible, but only one or two at a time. I’ve gotten nowhere close to my visions of sugarplums.

But my walk today was the same one I did many times before CrossFit. I don’t know how far it is but it would take me between 40 and 45 minutes to walk it and I would come home spent. I would be breathing hard and dripping wet. I would pant and have to rest after a walk.

It took me 41 minutes today to casually stroll the same route. I came home relaxed and feeling okay. I was not panting. My horrible heart rate is really getting better. All the stuff I do has made it realize a walk around the big block is no big deal. It’s not like I was doing squats at every corner or push-ups at every crossroad. I just had to walk. Quickly, but no running.

I don’t give myself credit for doing what I do. This has always been true. If I got a test back and had a 95%, I would obsess about what I got wrong and not appreciate that I got most of the crap right and there is no need to have everything in one’s head when there is Google or Wikipedia (or when I was young, libraries and encyclopedias).

I keep seeing what don’t have and not appreciating what I do have. There are ways to teach me how to not do this. A gratefulness journal where I write down five things I’m grateful for each day. 100 days of happiness where I just have to find one good thing about each day. All sorts of scheduled ways to include joy and gratitude into my life.

I start them and then quit and go back to whiny and cranky. And when I look at my life, it is incredibly wonderful. And I do fabulous things.

Still, I had this fantasy.

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