Why should I work so hard when I’m never going to be great? Why have aches and pains and limp and hobble when I’m mediocre at best? In essence, why even try?

What is it that makes me set my alarm clock and go fail one more time? What possible reason can there be to lose day after day? I hate to lose. I have stopped many things because I was not good enough to continue. What makes this different?

Conviction Training Facility is having a CrossFit Games for Seniors. There is a category for 60+ so I would be the baby in the category. It is scaled and possible. But (which negates all that has gone before it) it is four workouts in one day. I am always last, worst, crappiest. My friends, acquaintances, and those working out with me are all aware that I suck at CrossFit but am too stupid to stop. Last beats the person sitting on the couch.

How embarrassing to be last place, slowest to finish, fewest reps. Especially when scaled to accommodate my old fart status. I’m not an athlete, I’m an old lady who pretends to do stuff a few times a week.

I was on vacation for two weeks and the first WOD when I got back was one of those lovely chipper WODs and I couldn’t even finish. I had a massage already scheduled that evening and still, I could hardly walk the next day. What makes me think I can even attempt this game business?

Comparison is the thief of joy. I don’t need to be better than anyone else. It’s just me against me. Improvement means I win. Unless I sign up for a competition and then winning means I win and there is nothing even approaching a winner in my CrossFit life. I show up. I try really hard. I accomplish little. I move low weights, I have to rest to get my heart rate back down so I don’t die. I’m awful.

It’s been two years and I can do many things I couldn’t do when I began. I can lunge without a cane. I can squat below parallel. I have weight on my weight for all the lifts. I have actually done a few double unders in a row. I’m much better than when I started but (which negates all that has gone before) that isn’t saying much since I was beyond pitiful when I started.

I have no idea how to train other than to show up and just try to get through the WODs without quitting or dying or puking or (most importantly) hurting myself. I’ve been at this for two years and one thing I have learned in that amount of time is nothing comes quickly to old farts. Any time someone says we will see improvements in just six weeks, I try not to convulse with paroxysms of laughter. I can’t even change my shoes in six weeks time.

I get an occasional PR but they are so low it is rather embarrassing to write them on the board. I have no idea how to improve by plan. I show up, I do the WODs. I’m lazy at home and know I should do mobility work and my rest days are not supposed to be spent as a total slug.

I can list a million reasons to ignore this siren call. Senior Games. I will never have a chance to do anything else since I’m old. But I know that Frank is also eligible for Senior Games and I know what he can do. DeWayne is signed up and hopes to blow the competition away. At least I’m not going to be shocked at the noises!

I can show up and participate rather than volunteer. But then my son will see how horrible I am at this and how much I can’t do. I don’t want to disappoint him. I don’t want to disappoint myself. I mostly don’t want to embarrass us all. But … (and that negates everything that has gone before) I can’t stop thinking it is my chance to try.