I am so conflicted. There is an opportunity to step outside my comfort zone and it is making me so uncomfortable I can hardly stand it. Tempting me. Scaring me. I could embarrass myself. I could strut my stuff, so to speak. I could publicly fail. I could triumph. I am, as I said, so conflicted.

I have been doing CrossFit for almost two years. Well. One year and ten months – ish. I can still do nothing as written. Everything has to be scaled for me because I still suck at this even after all this time. I’m a special case. I need things catered to me. I can’t do what the athletes do. Everything has to be pared down so the old fart can manage somehow to get through it.

CrossFit is scalable. It is built so that everyone can manage the workouts. That’s the idea behind it. Fail your way to success. Get incrementally better until you are the best you can be and it is awesome.

While I can’t do anything as written, I can do everything in some fashion or another and I keep going back to try again. Over and over and I can see vast improvements between two years ago and today. I have weights on my weights for most of the lifting stuff. I do much better on all the body weight moves.

I have muscles and have met my goals from joining. I’ve lost the fifteen pounds and totally reshaped myself into a not-old-lady body. I can open my own jars.

There is a chance to go to a public place and workout in a public venue and show people that CrossFit is for everybody and fun and we can all do this.

I’m sorta the poster child for this.

Except I can’t really do it.

But that’s the point. I can’t. But I do.

I’m unsure if I’m a selling point or a detriment. I don’t know if I want to be the worst at this in a public place. I don’t want to embarrass either myself or my friends. I don’t know if it is a good thing that I fail so miserably or not. It is so scary.

I can’t decide whether or not I should go or if I should stick to my normal plan, workout early in the morning and probably by myself. Safe. Unencumbered by expectations. Knowing it is scaled but it is the best I can do. Knowing it is much more than I could do when I started.

But maybe I should dare.

Expect more of myself. Let others see that this is possible even for the crappy people who can’t do shit and just show up and keep trying. That each baby step is closer to some goal, some future that isn’t full of asking someone else to open your jars. That it is full of small accomplishments and minor victories.

It is simply frightening. I don’t know how brave I can be.

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