I have been writing Little Bits of History for years now. I was writing them first in a shortened form for Really Good Quotes (I still write there, but now just once a week as the lead). I expanded the essays and added extra quotes and posted them online. I spent a year putting them up on Examiner.com and they paid me. Eventually they paid me less and less and added more and more advertising and it was so obnoxious, even I wouldn’t look at them. I couldn’t really ask anyone else to look.

Last November and December I was simply sick of writing them. Then it dawned on me. I could snag the year I put up on Examiner and because of copyright stuff, before I put them on my own site, I had to modify them. So I did. I added one more paragraph and posted an entire extra year of Little Bits of History. Just like that … I solved my problem.

Except I didn’t. I still have the problem. I loved writing them and I loved having written them. I’m just not all that thrilled with writing them, present tense. In the intervening year, I have gather a lot more followers. I get between 300 and 500 hits per day over there and only a meager few over here. I assume that history is a lot more exciting than my rambling about CrossFit and my ineptitude.

But I’m coming up to the end of another year. And I have to decide to keep writing or not. I’ve had to force myself to write one additional paragraph per day for this year. Now I’m looking at researching to find something that happened and something interesting and something I haven’t already written about. And it has to be something about which I can find some quotes to go with it. Oftentimes, the quotes – the copy and paste part – is the hardest part of the whole exercise.

I’ve lost my motivation. I’ve been at this for around five years now and it is losing its luster. It is a nonremunerated job I have set for myself. I’ve learned an inordinate amount of junk over the years while doing this and should be a whiz at Trivial Pursuit or games of that ilk. But I’m torn again about whether or not to continue.

I know I could place ads on the page and make some money off my work, but the amount of money I would make would be so little that it doesn’t really make the effort worthwhile and I find it intrusive and obnoxious. The reason I write the stuff is because I want to, at least in theory. I’ve essentially had a year off and I’m no closer to a decision about this than I was a year ago.

Then I start thinking about what this says about the rest of my life. I began CrossFit a year ago. Right now, I’m growing quickly enough to see constant improvement. I can see what I did on a WOD last year and compare it to the same WOD this year and see I have come light years in that time. But the improvements will slow and then come to a snail’s pace. Right now, I’m getting PRs frequently because I was such a weenie when I started that anything is better. But that will stop and then what will keep me going?

What drives any of us to do anything? What made me start posting LBoH at all? What made me start doing CrossFit? How do I keep those things important over time? What makes me do anything? What makes anyone do anything? We are motivated, I assume, to get enough resources to have food, clothing, and shelter. But after that, after those basic needs are met, what makes any of keep on going like a bunch of Energizer Bunnies?

I go to work, still, even though Dick is retired. Why? I really don’t know. We would have our basic needs covered even if I didn’t work. But I know that when I was unemployed for a few years, I began to lose my mind and began writing … LBoH. Ah, perhaps the clue to writing is not working? Probably not. I am only working three days a week and on the four I’m off, I don’t see myself sitting here slamming out articles.

So, all in all, I don’t know what to do. If I quit, is it laziness? Is it just that times change? Will I miss it? Will I be relieved? Those last two haunt me because I cannot answer my own questions. I know I’m lazy and always have been. I will work really hard to make things easier.

You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone. The Pink Paradise put up a parking lot …  some song that I remember being sung my Melanie.

So, after 800 words of public soul-searching, I still have no answers. Damn.

creative-writing

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