I’m a burpee. Why? Because I suck.

I looked at the WOD last night as I do every night. I just felt defeated. I’ve been at this for five and a half months. I work really hard. I’ve missed a few days when I was sick, but I’ve never missed an entire week. I keep going back again and again. There was nothing I could do in the WOD. Not that it was going to be hard, but it was totally beyond me. I told myself that one of the bragging rights of CrossFit is “our warm-up is your workout” and I could at least do the warm-up – probably.

I went to bed crying. I woke up in the middle of the night (3.30) to cry some more. I was very tempted to just turn off the alarm and sleep in. That seemed so defeatist, but I was defeated. I left the clock alone. The alarm went off and I cried again. I cried while I got dressed and tried to pull myself together. I didn’t have to go to the box. Only I said I was doing this. No one was holding a gun to my head. Except me. I hate to quit.

I cried on the drive in. I went in anyway. I did my knee stretch and tried not to snivel. Warm-up was a 500 meter row but there were six of us there and only five machines so Candice did a run. Then lunge down the mat. Ten pushups, sit-ups, and med ball cleans. Then dislocates and passthroughs.

The WOD as written:
Spend 20 minutes working on hip mobility so you can get ALL the way down in those squats!
5 Rounds NOT for Time:
Max Effort Unbroken Double unders
10 Squat Snatches @ 60% of your 1 Rep Max Snatch.

We did a variety of hip stretches using bands for resistance. Someone was mentioning being old and I snickered. Another person said they were 38 and I mentioned my son was 38 (although he still has a couple weeks before that event, I thought it was close enough). We stretched for 20 minutes. And then … I was thinking of just going home. But even though I’m old enough to be these people’s mother, I’m too dumb to just quit.

I had a PVC pipe ready because that was about all I could do Tuesday. I couldn’t do a full squat with a 22# bar and there is no 60% of that anyway. But … Christine said I could just do cleans with a 22# bar and as I tried to do a double under unsuccessfully yet again, she said to do a max effort of single jumps.

I have no idea how many jumps I did. Lots. I did the cleans but was never able to do all ten without a pause to get my heart rate back down. Somehow I managed to get in five rounds. It was just before seven and time to go home.

I successfully completed another WOD. It IS all scalable. I know this intellectually, but I’m so often frightened by what I see written on the website. I haven’t cried over the WOD in a while, but I’m often scared by them.

And when I look at how far I’ve come, I know this is doing some good. I’m stronger, I’m steadier, I’m better balanced, I carried down the stairs and then lifted the broken vacuum cleaner over head and tossed it in the dumpster yesterday and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t have done that before. I can open my own jars.

I’m still a burpee. Not because I can’t do it, but because I can upset myself so much thinking that and then end up doing something. Scaled, but better than sitting on the couch.

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