Thank you so much That Magazine. You just had to put that picture of a child breastfeeding on your cover. Everybody is talking about your cover and you probably sold many extra copies of the issue. Great marketing. Wonderful attention whoring. But disgusting.

First, let’s examine what this is going to mean for the kid on the cover. We are going to have to teach all his classmates not to bully him. Really. Who wouldn’t tease a kid who is able to eat steak and a baked potato but is on the cover of a magazine, attached to his mother with both of them looking so bored, forced, and fake that it makes you just want to slap them? When you do outrageous things, you get teased, which as I understand it is the now called bullying.

I don’t care if you breastfeed your offspring. I don’t want to see it – ever. I don’t want to see it when the baby is only a few weeks old. Really? You had to go out into the world right at feeding time? You couldn’t nurse the baby and then run your errands? How good is this for the baby in the situation? Isn’t this supposed to be a bonding experience? Why am I involved in your bonding at all?

As the kid gets older, there is less reason to nurse in public. They don’t eat that often. You can schedule your trips at times of the day when it isn’t the 20 minutes the baby just has to feed. I will give you a pass in the doctor’s office waiting room or the ER. Otherwise, plan better.

I know. It is natural and you should be permitted to do it anywhere. That’s what breasts are for and there is nothing shameful in the process. Of course there isn’t.

Shitting is natural, too, but we put doors on public bathrooms so we don’t have to see that, either. Picking your nose is natural and everybody does it. It doesn’t mean I want to walk down the street and see various people excavating. And certainly, by the time you know how to use a toilet and not pick your nose in public, I don’t have to watch you nurse.

There are many things that are natural that we don’t do in a public venue. You aren’t permitted to copulate in public, for instance, although it remains a popular pastime in the privacy of one’s own home. However, do it in public and may go to jail.

Somehow I managed to nurse my son until he weaned himself without everybody in the world having to witness, participate, or give me praise for the fact. I just did it and did it privately. I’m so happy for all the Earth Mothers out there, but really, you aren’t special, you are using your children for attention, and you need to realize that we may tolerate you because you have raised such a godawful fuss, but we really think you need to bond with your child in a more peaceful setting than the center of the mall.

There are those who will disagree with the above paragraph. Please let me know if you would like me to come to your open space and do a variety of natural things for you. I usually plan my day to do most of them without an audience, but if you really feel that being “natural” is all it takes to be acceptable in a public venue, I will try to help you out with that philosophy.