I’ve never been one for New Year’s Resolutions. First of all, I am impatient and if I’m going to do something, I’m not waiting for January 1 to start. Second of all, I rarely want to do something.

And that second reason it my undoing. It has led me to a resolution of sorts. I would feel better calling it a goal, so instead of a Resolution, I’m going to have a Goal for 2012.

By this age I’m supposed to be filled with longing for all the things I didn’t do and have a handy list of things I want to get done before I die. I suppose these lists are called Bucket Lists because they are things to do before one kicks the bucket.

I have no bucket list. I have dreams of being published, but that would take actual work on my part. Not the writing stuff, but the marketing and working on actually getting published. I would like a magic fairy to appear and simply start waving a contract in front of my face saying “Let us pay you to write” and be done. That is not very likely to happen and I don’t wish to work as hard as one needs to work just to find a publisher. I will, instead, continue to give my writing away for free.

But I need to have some sort of purpose or goal to work toward. Therefore, I need five things on a bucket list. I suppose I could include all sorts of highly unlikely things, like sailing around the world. But I would in fact, not like to sail around the world. Most of that would be on the water without much to do other than keeping the boat moving and somehow, the sound of that is more delicious than what the reality would be.

I don’t know if I don’t dream enough or if I’m just so very good at getting my dreams to come true. Some of my dreams are not economically feasible and to put them on a list would then make me simply look like a failure to myself. Do I want a list that says I will do this and that knowing that I can’t afford this and/or that but having to look at it and pine for a life I chose to not live?

If I had worked full-time my entire adult life or if I had continued to work in nursing for the last fifteen years (even part-time) I would have a lot more money today. But I chose, instead, to work part-time and be a more involved parent and then I chose to not have my head explode rather than have a nice paycheck.

Now I work part-time and for a low hourly wage, so the idea of accruing massive piles of cash isn’t really a possibility.

I enjoy having less stress in my life now rather than having a luxurious future. So I have no plans to update my license and go to work full-time in nursing just to make some money to spend on fancy stuff after my exploded head falls from my shoulders.

I have no idea if I lived my life correctly. I have no idea if my future is any more correct than my past. I don’t have plans to measure that against. So if I create a bucket list of five items and I don’t even manage to do that, have I just created a huge deficit in my already not-so-grand life?

But without a goal to work toward, I would sit here day after day, wasting my time and doing nothing to reach whatever dreams I’ve not yet dreamed.

All I need to do now is come up with five things I really want to do, not that sound romantic to do, not that I want to have done (like reading the classics – books everyone wants to have read but no one wants to read). I have decades left (probably) and need to find something to do with the time other than sit here in my chair enjoying the peace and quiet.

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