December 2011


I’ve never been one for New Year’s Resolutions. First of all, I am impatient and if I’m going to do something, I’m not waiting for January 1 to start. Second of all, I rarely want to do something.

And that second reason it my undoing. It has led me to a resolution of sorts. I would feel better calling it a goal, so instead of a Resolution, I’m going to have a Goal for 2012.

By this age I’m supposed to be filled with longing for all the things I didn’t do and have a handy list of things I want to get done before I die. I suppose these lists are called Bucket Lists because they are things to do before one kicks the bucket.

I have no bucket list. I have dreams of being published, but that would take actual work on my part. Not the writing stuff, but the marketing and working on actually getting published. I would like a magic fairy to appear and simply start waving a contract in front of my face saying “Let us pay you to write” and be done. That is not very likely to happen and I don’t wish to work as hard as one needs to work just to find a publisher. I will, instead, continue to give my writing away for free.

But I need to have some sort of purpose or goal to work toward. Therefore, I need five things on a bucket list. I suppose I could include all sorts of highly unlikely things, like sailing around the world. But I would in fact, not like to sail around the world. Most of that would be on the water without much to do other than keeping the boat moving and somehow, the sound of that is more delicious than what the reality would be.

I don’t know if I don’t dream enough or if I’m just so very good at getting my dreams to come true. Some of my dreams are not economically feasible and to put them on a list would then make me simply look like a failure to myself. Do I want a list that says I will do this and that knowing that I can’t afford this and/or that but having to look at it and pine for a life I chose to not live?

If I had worked full-time my entire adult life or if I had continued to work in nursing for the last fifteen years (even part-time) I would have a lot more money today. But I chose, instead, to work part-time and be a more involved parent and then I chose to not have my head explode rather than have a nice paycheck.

Now I work part-time and for a low hourly wage, so the idea of accruing massive piles of cash isn’t really a possibility.

I enjoy having less stress in my life now rather than having a luxurious future. So I have no plans to update my license and go to work full-time in nursing just to make some money to spend on fancy stuff after my exploded head falls from my shoulders.

I have no idea if I lived my life correctly. I have no idea if my future is any more correct than my past. I don’t have plans to measure that against. So if I create a bucket list of five items and I don’t even manage to do that, have I just created a huge deficit in my already not-so-grand life?

But without a goal to work toward, I would sit here day after day, wasting my time and doing nothing to reach whatever dreams I’ve not yet dreamed.

All I need to do now is come up with five things I really want to do, not that sound romantic to do, not that I want to have done (like reading the classics – books everyone wants to have read but no one wants to read). I have decades left (probably) and need to find something to do with the time other than sit here in my chair enjoying the peace and quiet.

I’m getting the next week’s history blogs up and scheduled. There is an eye-catching notice that the background I’ve been using has been upgraded and I can get the new and improved version right here at WordPress.com and live happily ever after.

I looked at it. It is supposed to have all sorts of wonderful things for widgets, something I don’t use. I put up a picture to go with my writing. What I’m marketing here is my writing. So that is the part I would like to stand out.

What the maker of this skin wanted to market was not my writing. The side that “gives” and loses real estate is my stuff while the creators stuff remains right there taking up a larger proportion of the screen when I move to my smaller computer.

I’m unsure why I would want to go to all the trouble of writing something to have it be background for someone else’s superior coding skills. It isn’t usually what I’m thinking about when I take the time to actually write. When I write, I want my writing to have the front and center space of the blog. When I post, I want my post to be the focus of attention.

I’m unsure what I’m supposed to do with all the widgets. I don’t really care about all the widgets. I hate all the widgets that get in the way of my reading when I’m on other sites. I realize the internet has to pay for itself somehow and I understand the idea of advertising. I would love to be paid for my writing, but so far, I have resisted putting ads on my page because I think it distracts from – get this – my writing.

I have clicked on a few ads on pages. But I do it by mistake. I don’t like the ads. And I never know what has been hacked and what has been maliciously put up where. So I don’t click. At Arca Max, they have this really annoying thing when you visit the first time each day. They want me to watch a movie and there is a little notice saying “hold on while we load something to annoy the shit out of you” or something like that. I’ve learned how to click through quickly enough to never let it completely load.

I’m unsure who thought putting a talking ad on Wimp’s stuff is good but it is really, really stupid. You go over there to watch a movie and some ad movie talks over it. Now, who in their right mind thought this was a good idea?

All this is just some of the benefit of widgets. Or at least I assume that is what they are. I don’t see any of it as beneficial and so I’m not a big fan.

So, just to see what it would look like, I activated the new and improved thing on this blog and looked at on my little computer. It was, as I thought it would be, totally awful. Most of the screen was taken up by stuff other than my writing. The picture and writing didn’t work together at all because of the small space allotted to ME.

So I quickly reverted this back to the theme I had before and now feel perfectly happy about not “upgrading” to something that puts my writing, the whole point of the blog, in the background.

Now if I could only figure out how to get it to stop telling me about this great opportunity.