I want to be healthy. And thin. I would like to be thin and healthy. Mostly thin. I don’t want to be sickly, but still, thin is really what I’m working toward.

I know that eating right and exercise will help me be a healthy person. Great. I am trying to eat right and exercise because I want to be thin. I don’t really care all that much about the healthy. But I like it when my clothes fit and I like it when my clothes are this size. So I have to do what I have to do to make this all work.

Long ago and far away, back when I was the age my children are now, I didn’t have to worry about all this. First of all, I was much younger back then. My body simply burned brighter and used fuels more efficiently.

I also had a more active job. Running around an OR all day, moving people of all weights around on stretchers, standing there scrubbed in, and generally in a physical job was much more active than sitting at my desk at work. I have the stamp machine, both types of printers, and all supplies within reach so I don’t even have to get out of my chair.

I also used to play racquetball. A lot. I played about nine hours a week. I was playing with all sorts of people. Sometimes we played one-on-one, but we also played cutthroat when there were that many people who showed up. We played hard. I had the welts and even the broken bones to prove it. But I loved it and it didn’t seem like exercise. It just seemed like I was playing a game. To win. I love winning.

After three hours of racquetball three time a week, eating anything doesn’t really matter. I could sit down with a book and an entire bag of Lays potato chips and lounge away the afternoon. In fact, the salt replacement was probably good for me.

Times have changed. I’m older, have a sedentary job, and there are no racquetball courts around here except for the Air Force base and I’m not a military personnel person.

Now I have to consciously create a method to exercise. Walking around the neighborhood is working. But it isn’t nearly as fun as playing a game to win. I do it. But I don’t really find it challenging, fun, exciting, or anything wonderful. What it is, is convenient and easy. And cheap.

Healthy snack

Eating healthy foods isn’t really a problem. I love fruits and vegetables. I enjoy having a salad for lunch. I like having an apple for dessert. I like baked chicken. I don’t mind eating healthy food.

It’s just that I love unhealthy food, too. I love potato chips. Chocolate bars, either milk or semi-sweet but not that crap that is all cocoa and no sugar. I love cashews, almonds, peanuts. I love cookies, brownies, cake, ice cream with velvet fudge sauce. I love pie, either fruit of something else like French silk pie.

I can make myself walk and the more often I do it, the less difficult it becomes. I had gotten rather slapdash and haphazard in my walks and have gotten to walking each morning again. This helps.

But … my snacking is something I have to fight all day long. I love to snack. I have always been a grazer. I eat meals, but I love the stuff in between the meals a lot more than I enjoy the meals themselves. I have been trying to mitigate my snacks. I will not live without chocolate. I buy really good large candy bars. They are supposed to be two to two-and-a-half servings. So I put a serving’s worth into a small bowl and place it here at Command Central. It usually takes me two to three days to eat that amount of chocolate. That wouldn’t be a problem if that is all I ate.

But I like potato chips. I used to sit with the bag and now I pour out a small bowl of chips and then I’m satisfied – for a while. Later I might get a serving of cashews or almonds. I do measure out just a serving, but it is now my third snack serving of the day.

Since it is now summer, I can snack on watermelon and/or cherries. I love both. Cherries have a lot more calories in them than watermelon, but I eat a lot more watermelon at a time than cherries. Either way, I’m eating at least a hundred and possible two hundred calories of healthy snacks. While my heart may care that the snacks are healthy, my ass doesn’t know the difference.

All in all, it is hard to be – well, I guess for some people it isn’t difficult to be healthy, so I guess it is just hard to be me.