This article is not going to be about redundant phrases. It is not even going to be about advertising schemes. New and improved is supposed to impress us consumers to the point of buying a replacement product. But usually the old and standard has some features we really liked or the product wouldn’t have been successful in the first place.

Usually “new and improved” means “we increased the price and decreased the size” and we aren’t supposed to notice because emblazoned across the front of the package in bright, large lettering is the phrase itself.

But this isn’t about that.

Toilet paper, ready to work

I wrote an article about toilet paper for my history blogs. I suppose I could go and find it and I might … but if there is no link included, I didn’t. If there is a link included, see how industrious I can be? This wasn’t easy … but I found the link.

But what I’m recalling at this moment in time is that one of the quotes or part of the article itself mentioned that at some point in history, toilet paper was guaranteed to be splinter free. (This is how good my memory is – it’s in the article itself and says that it happened in 1935.) This means, prior to that point in time, there was no such guarantee. How would you remove these splinters? Had to have some really good friends in the old days.

Toilet paper has gotten softer and there is even some with “quilting” added because your hind end really cares. I’m all for no splinters, but how soft does my rear end need?

What I need from a roll of toilet paper is absorbency and just a bit of staying power. I hate highway bathroom toilet paper which is really just long rolls of tissue paper that dissolves upon contact with any moisture. It is not useful at all. You have to have a mountain of the stuff to keep from wiping with your bare hands. And then the sinks are disgusting and the hand dryers are worthless and you have to really worry about the door handle as you leave cuz the toilet paper dissolves and some people don’t wash their hands (either very well or even at all). But I digress.

There is also a problem with size. I’m not sure about all cases, but in the case of toilet paper, size matters. The standard width is really great. When decreased by 25% or more, it is too narrow and we are back to using more in length to compensate for the less in width.

We each have our comfort zone of toilet paper needs. When paper is two-ply, less length is needed than if it is one-ply because we are looking for so much paper, not just counting the little squares. So, telling me I get twice the squares of one-ply than if I had two-ply is really stupid.

Toilet paper companies have been trying to make sure my nether regions are well cared for. They are making toilet paper splinter free (for decades now) and softer and now they have added vitamins and aloe to the stuff. My hind end has never had it so good.

I don’t buy cheap toilet paper because the stuff is (excuse the pun) crappy.

I buy name brand paper and expect it to do the job it was made for. I have bought the same name brand for the last two times. This has been a mistake. I have to remember NOT to buy this same name brand because the product is so soft and luxurious, it disintegrates with use.

It isn’t like highway toilet paper where it wilts with moisture. This stuff can stand up to moisture. And if you blot yourself dry, it works beautifully. However, if you wipe, the paper disintegrates. It has no staying power. It simply falls apart, balls up, and is not going to go away any time soon.

So the answer to this problem is to get a bit more toilet paper to wipe off the sticking toilet paper, but if you really wipe … it becomes an endless cycle.

I buy toilet paper so I don’t have to use my bare hands. Toilet paper manufacturers need to do a wipe test and not just a blot test. It doesn’t work if your toilet paper can’t stand up to regular use. It is simply just shit.